Just to let you know

Hi Blog, it's been a while since I last talked to you huh.. How are you? Oh yea, I forgot you don't know how to answer. Hmm.. I don't know where to start.. I have been very down and emo recently. At first I thought it was due to PMS that I encountered two weeks ago. but it seems like the same feeling is coming over and over again. There is no one for me to whine on, there is no one for me to lean on.. All I know is to cry.. yes cry in silent mode.I forgot how I should express myself, or I should say even if I say it out, no one can help.

I felt that I am being isolated now, perhaps it's because Im working alone this semester without a partner, and I tend to finish late. So PS, WH, will often leave for early lunch together with EC. This was not what we used to do last time. Whenever we all hang out together, I will always be the one who doesn't understand their topic, perhaps we have different interest, or I dont have any sense of humor, or Im not a pretty girl that everyone wants to talk to, so I just could not blend into theirs anymore. Little by little, day by day, I feel distant from everyone, I am no longer the important one anymore, perhaps I am just hungering for attention.

I am losing my motivation, losing my energy, losing my focus to study and learn new things. Many works and assignments are piling up, but I just don't feel like doing anything everyday. I have already lost pace with the world. Wake up Jamie!!

Today my patient's husband is angry with me because I referred my patient (Vivian Lee) to Eu Gene for his competency test. Then he said:" So now it's like doing experiment on her la, if I know it will take so long I would not have allowed her to come. You go to the same barber. You can't let different barber to cut your hair right. He then walked off angrily and also cancelled his own appointment with me." Though I looked fine when I was telling this story to Warren, Eu Gene, Edmund, Vincent, and Kai Shang who were there, but deep inside my heart I felt sad. My mind is struggling.. Yes, I don't mind losing a patient that is impatient and not understanding at all, I can happily have more time to practice other thing on other patient. In the same time I felt bad because they might be badmouthing about me and IMU outside. Haihz.. It's always hard to help people. Selfish is sometimes necessary to avoid trouble.

Okie, let's not talk about anything negative now. Hmm.. I feel happy when I did my first post and core on Moien, looking satisfactory from the radiograph. =) Have done a few of crowns, extraction, and RCT this semester. Good start=) Keep it up Jamie! Read more before you do something. Make sure you know the rationale behind everything you provide to your patients.

Oh ya, I will be celebrating my 22nd Bday in Genting. Mummy booked the room for 3 days and 2 nights, because she got free voucher from dono where. But because of this, I could not go to PD with my uni friends that have planned for me. Happy to know that they are quite thoughtful of me. :) Very excited to find out that Qeng actually has a bf two months ago! OMG! Could not stop laughing and smiling on my own that day. At the same time felt stupid as I did not realize "sparkle" between her and Keat Boon long before this while Pui Seen had already got it right. Haha.

Another good news, erm, or call it "extra work" is that I was chosen to orally present my research at Uitm in June. Warren and I will be going for oral presentation while Ee Mee and Jun Ai will be doing poster presentation. Hmm, it certainly will be a good experience for me as I would not have any other chance to present in front of so many people in the future but in the mean time I scared that my stage fright will somehow embarrass me. Oh.. Please pray that everything will be fine.=)

不发脾气有那么难吗？

在学校有压力，回来还要受气。。

不是只有你有脾气，只因为你有年级，我不忍心看到你生气， 所以我忍声吞气。。

可是你每次小事化大，把有的没的都统统大骂，我就没有感受吗？

我不出声不代表我赞同，是因为知道说什么都没有用，因为我们的想法实在很不同。。

快乐很简单，只要不要把所有事想得太难。。

也许有一天我不在了，你看不到我了，你就会更开心。。

那我宁可选择你开心，我也不需要我长命。。

被婉拒的玩具

我只是一个玩腻了就会被丢弃的玩具~ 这玩具很多人愿意收留，可它偏偏只念着那位主人。以为主人有天会回头把它拾回去，哪知主人回家时拿出来玩一玩，又把它丢掉了~完毕...

What can I do?

My mom is lying on the sofa crying silently with the lights off at this time.. 2.45am ..but I don't know why.. Trying to recall am I the reason behind what she is doing? Did I say something harsh that hurt her? Hmm.. I don't know. She didn't answer me why, just asked me to go to bed. Haihz.. Useless daughter, I can't do anything for her. I'm always loud, impatient, and like to shout back. Why?? Shouldn't.. Shouldn't treat my mom like that anymore.. Sorry mami..I will try to control my temper k..cox every time I see u cry, I feel like crying too :'(

To trust or not? NO!

11/8/2011
I learned one new thing today. Do not simply trust anyone.
Hmm..Am I too sensitive?? Or paranoid??
Aiks..Better be careful than be regret~

*Im talking about itunes sync thingy. FB, Whats app, photos.. Is that just a coincidence? Or..It's you? Yesterday your what's app with her disappointed me too. It's not because of the content, but because you didn't tell me the truth! I was giving you second chance to explain yourself but you ruined it. You even betrayed your best friend just to distract the topic. No way, totally lost trust in you. Thank you, bye bye.

Yesterday all contacts in iPhone were lost. Cox..Edmund helped me to format computer, then iTunes data all gone ad. n then he sync it back without knowing my itunes contacts are empty. So the empty one replaced my phone contacts! I was really really down.

Today in what's app, Vince told me: Don't know what to say to you wor. but it's not the end of the world :) Looked for sponsorship the whole afternoon after practicing Malay dance with Kai Shang n Jun Ai in OHC. Came back n called Pui Seen to console her. (She was crying while calling me before that) Hmm..let the experienced one--me to handle ba~went to Pasar Ramadhan in Sri Petaling but all finished==" Disappointed! Ate loh mee, fried brinjal, vege, and hokkien mee at last. not bad la..

珍惜值得被珍惜的人=）

他。。不会拒绝我的请求
他。。在默默地付出
他。。仔细聆听我的细说
他。。在适当时给与鼓励
最重要的是，
他。。并没有要求回报~

这样的人，别处能找吗？
这样的人，值得一试吗？
这样的人，失去时， 会后悔吗？

我想，应该试着去珍惜。。值得被我珍惜的人~
可我不懂， 我在等着什么，我在期待什么~

Productive day

Time to report sem7 result:

ICA
ODS: A-
DP2: B+

Skype with Shu Qeng for an hour~
Had Mihun tomyam goreng pattaya that I had been craving for since yesterday!
Studied in library with Yun Teng from 1-9pm
+Rojak for dinner
Back here FB as usual
zzz at 11pm=)

Simple n nice day^^

SSS

Stresssssed...

Saddddddd...

Siennnnnnn...

3s = Pre-exam syndrome, that can only be cured with 3f

fooooooddd...

facebooookk...

friendsssssss...

And will eventually lead to another 3f:

Faaaatttttt...

Faaiiiilllllll...

Faainnttttt...

Nothing much

Woohoo..it's already June. Sem 7 is ending really soon. Do I have time to catch up what I have missed, recapture things that I have learnt, and also keep pace on what I m suppose to do now?

I am glad that I have finally "awakened", I dono how but I did it! *wink* Yea, I was once a 'sleeping beauty' who had been living and struggling in my own dream world. Total waste of time! Booo..

Oh yeah, not the main point..The thing I wanna shout out loud is: **I PASSED MY FIRST COMPETENCY TEST TODAY!!** I was the first one who attempted to do in the class. Papa sarcastically said that I passed with sympathy. He has got his point I think. Wrong tooth selection, punched only one hole for interproximal(class 3) caries, improper clamp placement. One more cunning idea I came up with just now is, I asked mami (Yes, she is the patient!wakaka) to go to toilet..mainly because I want to replace her torn rubber dam with a new one without making it so obvious. Hhahahaha! I am sooooo smart, ain't I??

Can I confess something here? Don't think it's wise to tell the whole story. but.. all 5 of us will sure pass the RD formative, and higher chance to pass DP2 now=) ngiek ngiek..I bet you won't want to know how.

Ganbatte! Counting down to holiday! 41 days left..I need a break! =P

Funny day!

I couldn't stop laughing since just now.

YS told me his current "target" is me this afternoon when we what's app. He has been constantly praising me for being gorgeous, pretty, blabla..*wuak..must be blind!* I kept changing topic and tried to made him say his was just kidding but he insisted that he told me the truth.

At the same time, JS fb msg me and say will call me tonight to ask me something. He didn't call but I received a fb msg from him around 11pm:

[Actually there's just something i need to tell u. We've known each other for quite a while. Its might sounds weird to u i think...ive been missing u all the time. Wanna listen to ur voice everytime i think of u. U're just that special. I dont know how to describe the feeling. Maybe thats what happen when u like someone i assume. Ive been keeping this in my heart for some time. I feel that i just need to tell u that i really like u...from the bottom of my heart. p/s: i just wanna express my feeling to u. No matter what, we're still great frens k.:-)]

I can't help laughing after these two incidences today. OMG.. I just dono what to say other than diverting their focus to something else. Hmm..should I be happy cox it means that I still have some market value? LOL..Haihz..but why..why isn't it you..I just couldnt walk out from your shadow~ 3 mths are long enough my dear Jamie.. You didn't even need more than a week to recover 2 yrs back!

speechless

我也不想我的blog充满着伤心的post, 可是我想发现没有人能听我诉说， 也找不到心灵的寄托，只好又回到这里自己写给自己看， 安静地往心里发泄~

也许我不擅于表达吧，我所说出的关心话，所做的东西， 所限制他们一些不益健康的习惯，都会被认为是一种指责，一种不重视，一种霸道无理的行为。

昨天叫妈妈不要常对电脑，会对已经开始麻痹了的手不好，她却可以从昨天到今天不停地借题发挥， 反倒说为什么又不会帮忙做家务， 不会心疼她做得很辛苦？搬来那么多次， 有剪过草吗？有煮过一餐给我吃吗？

还记得以前我剪草时，你说有剪等于没剪， 算了， 我没那种天份~

每次进厨房， 你又说我去捣乱，弄脏，可是至少有弄过不少早餐。最后一次是意大利面，或许你 不在乎， 所以不记得吧~

或许我真的不是个好女儿，可是我真的有尝试讨你开心，母亲节时亲手折钱玫瑰；你打来时无论我有多忙，我都告诉我自己要耐心地听完；你骂我时我尽量不顶撞，却被你说我每次只会摆回臭脸给你看~

你真的看不出我的努力吗？在你眼中，可能只有缺点。。。

如果你真的不想看到我，觉得我很碍眼， 我可以学大姐，拜六礼拜少在家，就不用被说不帮你做家务；我也可以学桂如，身体弱生病就会让你心疼些， 爱护些~

回到家原来会更累。。。早知就不回了~

Msgs from dear friends

All the very warm messages from my buddies when I wasn't feeling well for the past two days:

Yoong Siang(what's app): Must take care of your body ah, health comes first then only focus on your study. Not beside you, kenot helo u jor too bad..drink some water n sleep lor superwoman..summore dizzy then i operate your head n c d..

Vince(skype chat): Why headache? you take care! shouldnt fall sick since you r something like a dr..eat more,gain energy

Ickes(fb wall): Jamie, u sick ah?? Take care yo...drink lot lot water.
that time u say when's badminton ah??

Estherin--Shu Fang(fb wall): take care ^^

Edmund(what's app): still dizzy ah? is it not enough blood?sayang u also tak sempat lah, where dare to bully u..go have a hot drink then sleep early, dont play computer n iphone too much..

Jon(fb msg): Jamie... Lao Ban give u 良药的配方 >> 20 hours de rest out of one day, 10 L of water per day, plenty of Strepsils (* all packets that u can find in 7-11), and plenty of vegetables and oranges (* pasar pagi got a lot)... Hope u get well soon... remember always take care wor... ^^

111

二月二十号， 到今天的三月十一号， 原来我颓废了一个月十一天！

浪费了我的青春， 时间， 力气。。

看回日记：

从开心 期待 甜蜜

到冷淡 疑惑 讲明

到 无奈 看开 放下

到 回想 低落 伤心

好像来回了好几轮~

啊！太傻了！！清醒咯jamie chew kwai yee!!

电话里的照片，谈天的内容，彻底地删除了=） 谢谢你曾经给我美好的回忆。我们都没错，都清楚了解为什么只能走到这里， 是我自己放不下而已。。下次见到你，我一定会让自己假装更坚定~

美好与不好的回忆， 该藏在仓库里，不去触动与影响心情^^

收拾好破碎的玻璃心，就该勇敢地重新出发去！

今天做了很白痴的事情。竟然去找jun ai 的patient's fb..然后跟shu qeng 一起stalk 他~ 然后两个人都很兴奋地在讨论他，说比牛肉好很多，要抢来抢去~ haha.. 好久没有笑到那样白痴了！

和她skype时，又逼她讲出一些她个人的惊人秘密。。('o') 讲一半又不讲一半， 逼到我都笑死了！

真的很谢谢她在我低落时一直陪着我， 鼓励我，安慰我，提醒我~

没有很多人懂我有几难受， 懂我难受的人又不了解为什么~

可能他们还心想我是笨蛋 @.@

上天对我太好了，有肯陪我谈天的室友, 肯跟我玩闹打羽球的朋友，还有疼我的家人~ 幸福一百分！

加油哦！

原来我没想象中那么的坚强…没有表面上看起来那么的乐观…

最近我都在问别人，为什么没有谈恋爱却会有失恋的感觉呢？

我曾经大方地笑着对他说：跟你打睹你一定比我先拍拖的，哈哈！ 可是如果真的实践了，我还会那么的潇洒与不在乎吗？

原来踩进去了就会越陷越深，无法自拔了～谁能教我怎样放下呢？

Be out of the box

Viewed world map with Hui Sze just now after dinner..We were like

('0') wa..

(0.o) ha?

('_")? Eh?

Jamie= a frog in the well who knows nothing of the great ocean

Jamie= someone who doesn't read news, neither being too busy nor too poor to buy newspapers. She is just lacking interest in those political critics, racism, crime cases, and thus choose to continue living in her own small box, believing that ignorance is bliss.. [How pathetic]

Arrr..Too many things are happening in the surrounding now. Life is not about you and yourself, it's not about wanting attention from someone else, it's not about dwelling in a sweet memory you have had, it's also not about waiting for fairy tale love story to find you and being emo if it doesn't come true.

Massive Sun explosion, mass suicidal of Arkansas birds and fishes, civil war in Libya, earthquake in Christchurch, flood everywhere, etc. They happened for reasons. I really don't know when is the world going to end, but I have a strong feeling that it is going to be soon. may be I'm a little pessimistic?

In spite of all, if I'm still alive after 2012(hopefully!*touch wood*), I want to explore many many places! I want to see falling snow in Korea, eat Rock Melon in Hokkaido, play extreme games in Universal Studio Japan, attend friends' graduation in New Zealand, take wedding picture in front of Eiffel Tower, honeymoon and have gondola ride in Venice, gamble in Las Vegas, go wild life safari in South Africa, bring my kids to Disneyworld US, ahhh...It's going to take forever to end this wish list.

Wakaka..sounds quite ambitious right? Yup..requires large amount of hard earned money and time..I want to depend on my own financial ability to fulfill this dream..Gotta work really hard now!! Roar~~

4th year now=)

Reading and flipping through my sem7 timetable now..wait..What? sem7 you mean?

Yaa, I'm officially 4th year dental student now. Can I show you this face? ('0')!! Am I ready??

Looking back on the first day when I stepped into IMU, meeting the first dental student in underground car park, Alethea who is now in NUS, making my first new friend in IMU, Pui Seen, and taking first batch picture in Atrium.

Many say that people who study in medical field are all, or may be mostly nerds and bookworms who stay in Library 24/7, eat, shit and sleep with books of encyclopedia's thickness. But I can totally prove them wrong! Yes, you guys are smart, and in the mean time very playful and fun to be with too!!

Some of you are really all rounders! Hmm..I am thinking of::::

1. Paige, the excellent cook with creative mind and sophisticated hand skill

2.Arthur, the superb pianist who knows break dance and speak bombastic English

3. Amos, the well known joker who can play guitar and bring laughters to everyone

4. Izyan, who is pretty, sexy and has good vocal.

many many more that I just can't name all here one by one..

Our first dental pot-love, specially held for people who are single or have no places to celebrate Valentine's day like me;P Hmmm..(All of them in the pictures except me n Yun Teng have left to overseas or are ready to leave..)

Our first ever dental futsal game:

I remember it was raining heavily in the evening that day and the court was all wet and slippery. We took(or may be stole?) a big stack of January alumni news feed magazine and laid them over the ground hoping they can absorb away the water. err..this idea was bad simply because the papers are sort of "hydrophobic"..haha..anyway, not the main issue here cox we had tonnes of fun and laughters that night seeing many kaki bangku girls play futsal!! One of them was me of cox=P

Soon after that game:

2010 Chinese New Year potluck together with DT109..Ang ang bo hai lang! Huat ah!! What a memorable night with many senior-junior and lecturer-student interactions. We had fortune cookies and lucky draw too!

Also, we the pioneer batch of dental students, had the privilege to be invited to our Dean's house in Subang SS18:

Her house is designed and decorated as a mixture of Bali and Ancient China style. One word: WEIRD. haha..The night was filled with shouting, cheering and laughing: shout to answer quizzes, cheer for their own team who won and laugh at silly responses from the floor.

Erm, this picture: "the fastest" was wanted from each team and the winner will be the fastest to finished typing all the words on the screen using hp. *should have use my N97 keypad instead of Cyan's phone..shivered and kept pressing the wrong button.hahah..

Without realizing how fast time passes without mercy, we have been through so many things, from being strangers, to becoming closer and closer, followed by separation to different continents..Every bits and pieces, success and failure, laughs and tears that made up the diary of my life will be accepted as what it is, and be the lessons for me in becoming a better person.

8th of Feb night

Waiting on the bed for u to say good night.. Must be too focus on your thesis in the lab now huh.. Hmmm.. Tired ad.. Don want to bug you with another email.. Will this be the first night sleeping without your greeting? Zzz.. お休み

Wa.. Just posted then get your mail ad.. with Sayang n o(^▽^)o..

smiled:) Nightzzz..

谢谢你！

谢谢你在我胡思乱想时，肯低声温柔地问候我。

谢谢你不嫌弃我烦，愿意谅解我。

虽然从你身上找不到的是安全感，也很清楚我们是不可能的；

可是你的慰问与关心，就足以让我感到欣慰。

如果哪天我消失了，你会找我吗？虽然你已经说会，也随口说会飞回来找，我还是得不到你诚恳的答案～

或应该说，我还是得不到我要的答案，因为我也不知道我要的是怎样的回答。

一句话，女人真难搞！(>_<)

ばか！

Ahhhhhhhhhh.. Can you hear my screaming?! No, u can't.. How I wish I can scream out loud now!! Why am I so stupid?! Why did I procrastinate to register for energizer run just now?! I had more than enough time to just on my computer n click few buttons n that's it.. Why?! Why I have to wait till one hour past the due date to rber n jump out of the bed?! Hate!! No one understands how I feel now.. May be ppl will think I am exaggerating cox it's just a run anyway. No big deal.. But.. But.. This might be the last chance to run 21km with my friends. Haihz.. And the chance has now gone.. Cry:'( knock my head hard hard!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

pray hard

I cried..

not because of getting bad result,

not because of being scolded or whatever love matters blablabla..

I cried..

because I felt for her...

Years ago, her husband left her,

Months ago, her dad passed away,

Weeks ago, her daughter was badly ill due to some white blood cell infection or disease,

and just a few minutes ago, her mom was diagnosed with liver cancer.

How can she take all this by herself??

If I am in her shoes, I think all I'll do is crying at one corner till my tears get dry.

What is more, when I read about liver cancer, and it says that the prognosis is poor and most patients would not be able to survive for more than a year.

What a heartbreaking news..

I can only pray silently..

pray that her mom won't be suffering from pain too much..

pray that she can stay strong no matter how tough it would be..

pray that her God can open another window for her to show her that life is no truly hopeless..